Having children is a game-changer for a relationship. Some changes good, some challenging and others messy. Today I’d like to talk about How Our Relationship has Changed after having Kids.
It’s nuts to think Jason and I have been married for almost 5 years. And in those 5 years, we have gone from being a couple to family of 4.
Before having kids, I pictured the hardest challenges of early parenthood as a blur of sleepless nights, tantrums and loads of diapers. And although our life is definitely dominated by these things, having kids also changes your marriage.
We have learned so much in the last two and a half years. Understanding how we can best communicate and best operate in times of stress or extreme exhaustion.
Today I’m sharing how our relationship has changed since having kids and the different things we now practice to keep us health and happy. I am not advocating that these things work for everyone but for us, they really help, especially based on our personalities.
- Jason – loyal, social, mild-mannered and reserved with his emotions.
- Me – less social, yet a bit more outgoing, energetic and much more open with emotions.
Here is how our relationship has changed and the things we are now doing to take care of US:
1. Make simple things romantic
To get alone time or even just time that doesn’t involve dirty diapers or spit up, is hard with these days. Not saying kids kill romance… but they normally DO.
After having our first kid, we quickly realized that romance in our relationship would change. No longer could we go out for spontaneous nice dinners or drinks or stay up late or sleep in. So now we just reframe what we consider to be romance.
- going out to breakfast with or without the girls. We read or just talk to each other while the girls are entertained at the table.
- waiting until the girls go to bed to eat a nice dinner together even if it doesn’t happen til 830, it’s still worth it.
- long family walks holding hands.
- making dinner together while the baby sleeps and our toddler plays or dances (she does this a lot).
- 20 minutes of silence at night reading together in bed with a hot beverage while both girls sleep.
And even when things don’t go as planned, and the kids end up being a handful, we are learning to embrace the chaos and find romance in everything.
2. Be a better team
Having kids that depend on us, look up to us and learn from our behaviors has forced us to work together better and more efficiently.
In the past, there were times when we didn’t see eye to eye and just did our own things. Or perhaps just avoiding talking about something because it was easier to not deal with it.
Now with kids, we don’t waste time ignoring things. Whether talking about how to discipline the girls, finances, travel, or just everyday mundane stuff like chores, we bring stuff up then and there. It’s not always the most fun but we are a much better team when we know each other’s point of view and can work towards a common goal!
3. Make a conscious effort to not talk about kids
This is a hard one, especially for me! I mean what parent doesn’t struggle with this one. Our kids are so dang cute and funny and weird that it’s awesome talking about them! We make it a rule to not talk about the kids when out on a date or when it’s us time. Not because we don’t want to talk about them but because we have lives outside of them and its health for us to remember that.
Current events, things going on in our lives, random social media stuff… it doesn’t really matter what we talk about as long as it’s not about the kids.
4. Work harder to make time to be together and to be apart
This is one of the first things we learned after having our daughter: schedule time to be together and apart.
For us this means scheduling time to hang out together when the girls are sleeping or napping. Or asking family to watch the girls so we can get time together.
Equally important is allowing each other time to spend with friends. For the hubs that means beer, game, fishing or sports with the guys and for me it means dates with girlfriends, coffee shop dates, or runs.
5. We miss each other more
We are a pretty tight-knit family and do most things together. But missing each other in a relationship is not a bad thing. When opportunities come up like fishing trips for the hubs or family trips for me, we give each other the space to travel without the other.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to be apart, but it also makes us so appreciative of one another. A little time apart every once in a while strengthens our relationship and reminds us why we love each other so much.
6. Show random acts of affection
With so much of our attention and affection going to our littles, it’s easy to forget to show affection to my partner. Before having kids, I was so affectionate mostly because that’s my personality. But after having kids I felt like all that affection was only going to the kids.
Like most things though, once you recognize it, it is easier to address it. A sweet hug, a kiss, a back or foot rub, cuddles or simply holding hands is a simple loving way of showing the other person you love them. And obviously we know we love each other, but some days are with kiddos are nuts and a little affection can really go a long way.
7. Address issues ASAP
This is something we were working on before having kids and is now more important than ever as parents.
With both the hubs and I being pretty non-confrontational, we have found that it’s so critical for us to just say things when they happen. A comment frustration, a disagreement, an annoyance, whatever the issue we are trying to recognize it and address it.
Hiding our feelings or being passive aggressive is not a good approach for us and honestly it sucks being mad at each other. It sounds cheesy but communication is key in keeping our relationship open, honest and happy.
8. Give each other time to decompress
Some days are rough. When the girls are having a tough day plus everything else just seems to be going poorly. And the best thing to do is take a break. We both know bad days will happen and we give each other permission to walk away and decompress.
This is normally 30 minutes to an hour where one of us takes the kids and other one goes to the basement or to our bedroom to just unwind, shower, read or lay down. These days don’t happen often but when they do, we do our best to be there for each other and give each other a much needed break.
9. Really talk to each other
It’s so easy to get sucked into the day to day grind. But to connect as a couple, we make it a point to really truly talk to each other. Our hopes, our dreams, our feeling, our fears… all this stuff matters and makes life so much more interesting.
9. Practice gratitude
Never underestimate the power of a simple thank you. With the craziness of being parents, we get into a routine of doing doing doing without taking the time to thank each other. Quickly after having our first, we realized that being a parent can sometimes leave you feeling underappreciated.
Saying thank you or doing simple acts to show each other gratitude is extremely fulfilling and invigorating. Each of us works hard for this family and it’s nice to let that other person know that from time to time.
10. Lean on others for support
Asking for help from friends, family or a sitter is so important, especially during the early years. As a couple we rarely asked for help because we had each other and no one else to care for. But these days, our friend and family support make it possible for us to get some alone time.
It’s also nice to get out and hang with friends, family and their kids. Maintaining an active social life is something that keeps us happy as a married couple and a family.
11. Laugh it off
Through seemingly endless days, horror movie style blow outs, waking up every hour of the night, and baby/toddler joint crying fests, sometimes you just have to laugh. At the end of the day, as long a we are all healthy and happy, we gotta laugh all the other stuff off.
These are the ways our marriage has changed and evolved in the course of 2ish years and 2 kiddos. And as the girls grow, I know there will be many more changes and challenges. Ultimately, I love this guy and know that with open and honest communication plus a good sense of humor, we got this.
How has your relationship changed since having kids or caring for step kids? Have you noticed you handle situations differently? I’d love to know your thoughts on this topic as I know every relationship is different.
Originally posted 2018-03-10 05:19:08.
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