Personally throughout the circus act of parenting, I often feel like I’m learning alongside my kid. And one area in particular that we have been working on is embracing independent play.
Learning how to play independently is such an important part of growing up. It is a skill that allows kids to learn to have fun, be confident, self-reliant and satisfied without needing to be constantly entertained. Creativity, patience, problem solving skills, self-regulating and self control are all skills kids learn through learning to play on their own.
Growing up as a super active kid myself, I remember coming to my mom constantly saying “Mom, I’m bored!” The response I’d always get was “vete a ver si la gallina puso un huevo.” In Spanish this literally means – go see if the chicken laid an egg aka go find something to do.
I always found that response super annoying but as a parent now, I get it. My mom was encouraging me to be creative and learn to entertain myself. That being said, after having my first child, Poppy, I always worried about her being “entertained” enough and not getting bored. I would try to play with her and try to keep her constantly busy to avoid her getting bored.
Over time I’ve learned, that being bored is not a bad thing. Allowing my child to find her own fun and use her imagination has been so good for her. By giving her the space and tools to play independently, I’ve visibly seen a huge shift in her ability to manage boredom. She is able to entertain herself without me.
Especially as a stay-at-home-mom, fostering independent play has been so important. Once I made conscious decision to reject the myth that since I’m at home I am have to do everything for my kid and entertain her 100% of the time, I let go of my mom guilt and gave my kid the space she needed to do her thing.
It has also helped that it’s not just her anymore. Caring for baby Beany has helped me give Poppy even more space to play on her own. And for my little 8 month old Beany who just started crawling, I’m working on independent play as well.
A book I recently loved, [amazon text=The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids&asin=B01BD1SSCG], says Danes value independent play and as a result their kids are given the time and freedom needed to learn to entertain themselves. Parents don’t do everything for their kids; instead, they let them learn to care for themselves. They use mutual respect to enforce rules, instead of leveraging fear of punishment. Despite making independence a priority, they also embrace the concept of togetherness or coziness (hygge), something I feel like my family is pretty good.
Like everything with kids, no 2 days are the same yet we strive for a balance between a lot of independent play time and intentional together time. Please know that there is difference between abandoning your kids to play on their own all day and intentional independent play time. I am advocating that kids get independent on their own everyday while you keep a close eye.
Here are the ways in which I encourage independent play:
1. Set expectations
When I first started encouraging solo play time, I made sure Poppy knew it was time for her to play or entertain herself while I cooked or did a task. In the early days she would feel most comfortable playing near me either in the kitchen with Tupperware or just next to me where ever I was. Over time she got more comfortable playing in her own space without needing me right there with her. Now she plays on her own about 60-70% of the day without needing me.
At the same time the expectation I have for myself is to give my kid space. For my youngest who just started crawling, I blocked off an area in the living room and let her play with toys on her own while I sit nearby. For my toddler, she basically has the whole house to play. She has earned my trust and I know where she is at all times.
2. Create a relaxed playful environment
I am not super formal. My house is not super fancy. And I don’t have super strict rules. I’m of the mindset that kids should be allowed to be kids. Aside from obvious safety, I let my toddler play with most households things. Couches, chairs, Tupperware, pots, wooden kitchen utensils, shoes, balls, basically anything that is safe is fair game. I’ve seen Poppy make a game out of everything from counting potatoes to my salad spinner to plastic hangers.
As for toys, we have a small corner with toys, a tool bench, books, building blocks, Legos and art supplies in our main living room. My toddler knows where her things are, and is responsible for cleaning up (although it takes some serious bribing sometimes).
To create a playful mood, I always have music on. My toddler loves Disney movie songs or Sesame Street songs, but I also try to mix things up fun salsa, coffee shop style music and/or acoustic and instrumental music to create a calming mood.
3. Let them be
This is probably the most important thing when it comes to independent play. Allowing Poppy to do her own thing allows her creativity to sore. Although I am never far away, I let Poppy play on her own while I do housework, cook, care for the baby, etc. She knows I am here if she needs me, but she rarely does.
I have noticed that if she knows I am not watching her every second, she actually plays better. When she knows she is being watched she acts more needy and is less self sufficient. Leaving her alone is sometimes hard but it truly makes a big difference.
4. Boredom is OK
For kids, being bored is an opportunity to get creative and use their imagination. I’ve watched my toddler go from being bored and rather helpless, to being bored and quickly creating a fun game for herself. The more practice they have dealing with boredom, the better they can cope.
5. Give them less and keep them guessing
Kids do not need that many toys. They really don’t. I often find, the more toys my tot has, the less interested she is in playing with them. It’s as she gets overwhelmed by the sheer number.
Although not always easy, we try really really hard to give our kids less stuff. Our strategy with toys is simple: buy very few and rotate them to keep them guessing.
Of course there will be gifts from friends and family that we cannot control, but we can definitely control how many toys are out at one time. When we get new toys as gifts, we rotate toys. I’ll hide half her toys for a few weeks and then rotate them out. This keeps our toddler more interested and engaged
Another perk about having less toys out, is less messes to clean up, plus she always has a blast going on play dates to experience new toys.
6. Seek out creative toys
We opt for toys that make Poppy use her head. Legos, wooden blocks, tool sets and magnetic tiles are some of our favorites! Poppy is still not into coloring but that will be a great activity for later on.
Additionally I let her play with household items and use her imagination. Some of her favorite toys are kitchen bowls, wooden spoons, laundry baskets, hangers, oven mitts and potatoes. Yep, potatoes.
7. Spend time outside
This was difficult for us in the winter because my toddler was not a fan of the snow, but getting outside is such a great way for kids to play on their own. Letting my toddler run, get dirty, dig holes, jump in puddles, play with sticks or just explore is an easy way to encourage independent play.
Baby or toddler, being outside is a great change of scenery and allows them to discover the magic of nature.
8. Let them come to you
Some days my tot is not as good at playing solo as others but still she tries. On these not so good days, she comes to me and I’ll let her direct what we should play. Instead of taking over, I let her lead the game or activity. Once she gets going, I tell her that mama needs to take care of something and let her continue playing on her own.
Once she is truly finished and tired of playing, we either read, find an activity to do together or we complete a task together. Yoga, reading, cooking, baking, “folding laundry,” dancing, or finding an activity to do outside the house are normally our go-tos.
9. Show them the love
Even though I give my toddler the space to play on their own, I’m always checking on her and showing her love. My toddler knows that although she is playing on her own, she is not being neglected or forgotten about. Instead it’s her time and she should enjoy it.
Everyday with kids is an adventure and we strive to find a good balance between independent play, together time, social time and exploring our city.
Originally posted 2018-04-16 08:02:00.
Jennifer says
Valerie says